my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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