I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
