He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
