Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
