just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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