You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
