You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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