i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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