someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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