If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
