I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
