hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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