I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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