I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
