Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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