she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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