evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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