I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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