don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
