I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my being single is dangerous.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
