the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
