We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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