I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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