please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
