Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
