im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
