I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
