Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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