you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
