Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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