Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
