just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
