i think my tv is drunk
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
