someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
