Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
