Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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