so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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