so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
