He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
