Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
