Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
