Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize