I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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