Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
