Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
