the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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