my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
