Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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