Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
