I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
