I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
