im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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