I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
