Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
